Relationship Suspended

It's been a little over 6 years since my Dad left this earth.

I recently had a friend whose mom left this earth - very close to the passing of my Dad, just years later. My mom's youngest sister departed as well this summer. Not that it matters necessarily but all of these individuals battled forms of cancer. I really despise cancer.

Aside from that, whenever a friend or family member experiences this gut-wrenching loss, I find I have nothing of value to say. I desperately don't want to appear insensitive at a time when a person I love is experiencing hypersensitive emotions at depths that were previously unimaginable but I also am not very good at concocting lifeless words.

Six years ago people tried to say the right things - how he was in a better place and he was no longer in pain. They said it in person or mailed cards and I know the heart in which their message was delivered was in a good place and it's not like I didn't believe the messages were untrue. But if I'm being honest - for me these words did nothing. They felt lifeless and more often than not, I became annoyed and/or irritated.

I've pondered why. I am not sure I have the answer but I suspect it may be because no one addressed the pain that his passing catalyzed in my life and in the lives of all who loved him and who were loved by him. It felt like an attempt was being made to apply a band-aid to cover up the ugliness that was brewing inside my soul. Applying a bandage without addressing the infection is simply a recipe for disaster and I often felt like I was in the middle of a tropical storm. There were times I chose to play along (at times this seemed easier) and assumed the role of sucking it up so I wouldn't cause others to feel uncomfortable with my grief. But that's just it - it was my grief and somehow I had to process it. I knew if I didn't figure this out, it would both consume and destroy me - leaving a wake of yuck. I wouldn't say I'm at the finish line of this - just processing life as it comes.

Time would heal. That was another statement that was offered to provide a semblance of hope and maybe stave off despair. While time has provided a balm of sorts to the pain, it alone cannot conquer grief. One of the greatest gifts I received was from the few who acknowledged my grief and didn't shame me for it or just expect me to get on with life in the timing that others may deem appropriate. These individuals demonstration the truth of Romans 12:15 and they were my lifeline.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Recently I've been asking myself why I am still experiencing difficult moments - missing dad and wishing he was here to talk to. Sometimes I have had audible one-sided conversations "with" him. Processing life so to speak.

I've made the statement that it seems unfair that because I was blessed to experience great love and friendship that the loss felt is proportionally great. Philosophically then, if we want to avoid personal pain, we should avoid depth in relationships. I do NOT advocate this at all because I believe there is tremendous value in relationships and we yearn for meaningful connections.  

During one of my mental-pondering sessions I heard "your relationship has been suspended". What does that even mean? I wasn't quite sure but it was starting to make sense to me - inside of me. Missing Dad wasn't simply due to his lack of presence but more because a pause button was hit on our relationship. Some might see it as a stop button. But life wasn't paused and in fact there were times it felt like it was marching forward even when I wasn't ready to move, threatening to steamroll me. In truth, life in this realm has continued on without him. Currently I choose daily to be part of it and not begrudgingly - to live intentionally with my family and friends. Relationships have grown, deepened, and changed but not my relationship with Dad. He is only present with me through my memories and those memories include less and less of my current reality. I make him a part of life in the here and now by "seeing" him in my boys or talking about how he'd enjoy what we were doing or we imagine what he'd say / do if he were here. And while that puts a temporary smile on my face, it doesn't take away the fact that he is absent which then threatens the eruption of tears.

I don't have the keys to a solution. I still don't have the words to make things better for those that start this painful journey. This recognition of why I still tear or choke up doesn't take that away. But for me, another layer of understanding the "why" brings with it a little more healing and allows me to move forward another step.

And while I don't love that a pause button has been hit, I have no desire to hit the fast-forward button.

I'll continue to ask questions and be introspective. This helps me and keeps me from getting stuck because there are still many relationships that are growing deeper. Life has too much to offer and Dad wouldn't want me to miss a single second.

So many milestones have been achieved since you've been gone. Good news is that there are many more to come!

My Dad - he will always be one of my bff's.