How are you doing?
A common question. One that the typical answer is 'good'. I'm not going to debate whether this should be our response or not but will say that due to those who have been inquiring and the why behind their asking, I haven't said 'good'.
I'm okay. I'm taking it one day at a time. I have my moments.
These have been my responses. And they are true. Just not the raw truth.
How do I share what I still haven't figured out? How do you put raw emotions into words?
I self-evaluate. Shocked? I want to know the why of how I'm feeling because then I can own it and deal with it. Obviously the general answer of "why" is that my Dad is no longer here on Earth with us. But that generalization isn't good enough for me. Because if it was that simple, I'd be good. But I'm not.
I still have had times of full blown guttural cries - thankful that no one else is around type of crying. Or driving back home from the dentist and tears start running down my cheeks because I realize I always called my Dad after an appointment. And now I can't. Worship at church - it's pretty much a given that I'm wrecked every Sunday.
I stopped wearing mascara. And that kind of annoys me because I think my eyes look prettier with it.
Just being real.
So I've been working on having layers peeled back one at a time. And just when I think I've reached a place of 'good', another layer is discovered.
A couple of weeks ago, the only way I could describe how I was feeling was numb. Like I wasn't feeling. This didn't include my family. Or God. I love them passionately. But the everyday stuff. And this wasn't normal for me. I'm a passionate person. I didn't like this feeling of indifference or apathy. And I didn't know how to fix it. My only hope was that God did but I didn't know how He was going to do it and I really wanted it taken care of quickly - like yesterday. I was feeling hopelessly hopeful. That might not even be a possible feeling. Whatever. It makes sense to me.
In my hopelessly hopeful state of mind, I couldn't help but wonder how people go through this without Him? Where is their hope? I could imagine how easy it would be to turn to other things - albeit temporary - to just feel something and get rid of this numbness. The desperation of wanting to feel 'normal' and to get rid of the nothingness. I didn't take that step. I couldn't. Not because I'm better. I'm not. But Jesus is. And He's my friend. That and the fact that I'm still passionate about my family and I want my choices to empower my boys. They aren't blind. They see my hurt. They need to also see me live with victory...regardless of what it takes to get there. But a new level of compassion birthed inside of me for those who do...
With another layer peeled back and in my hopelessly hopeful state of feeling nothing we go to church on Sunday. And every single song could have been chosen for me. Just like that I go from nothing to pain. And I'm asking why. Not out loud. Because that could be weird. But my insides are screaming - asking for answers.
Is it because he was the first man to believe in me?
Is it because he was such a great example of love?
Is it because he (with Mom) taught me how to be family?
Is it because he was my first valentine? my hero? my confidant? my best friend?
...to be continued...