Hearts and Black Holes

Finally I summarized all of the questions swirling in my head...it's all of it.  He was so much to me and now, even though I have peace as to where my Daddy is, he isn't here and what is left behind is an emptiness.

That's where I was left.  Feeling the emptiness.    

I remember when our son Jeter was born and Simms and I experienced this phenomenon of our figurative hearts growing because a greater amount of love was added.  It was awesome and amazing and we felt filled to overflowing.  I remember contemplating having another child - not wanting to share the love we have for Jeter with anyone else.  But we didn't have to.  Once again, when Barber entered our lives, we felt our hearts grow with the addition of love that was just for Barber.

We didn't have to divide a set amount of love among those that are treasured in our lives.

What then happens when someone that you had such a huge amount of love for isn't here anymore?

And this was the next reality for me to deal with.  The next layer was being peeled off.

There was a hole in my heart.  

One that no one could ever fill.

So there I am in the pew of our church, tears rolling down my face as this new reality sets in.  Conversing with the One who I know loves me - even though I feel broken, fragmented, messed up, etc.

And I hear Him say "I can fill it if you want me to."

"Yes.  Please.  Do it.  And hurry up.  Please."

Later that day, Jeter and I had some time together and I shared this with him. This is how he responded: 

"You know what this reminds me of Mom?  Stars.  They fill the sky and each has it's place.  When a star dies, a black hole is formed and it sucks in everything that gets too close.  

That continues until it fills up.  And if a new star forms, it's because God created it.  It doesn't come from anything else.  

Poppy isn't here and there is a hole that has been left behind.  It could keep sucking you in but you've asked God to fill it up.  And He will."

Oh the wisdom of my sweet 12 year old.  I hugged him and he hugged me back.

It was exactly what I needed.

And then I shared this with him:

"You see the pain.  And I'm know you've experienced your own level of pain.  It could cause someone to not love deeply.  Or to be afraid to.  To hold back because of not wanting to experience the loss.  The pain is real.  And it hurts a lot.  But it's worth it.  I will never hold back the love I have for you or your brother or your Dad or anyone that is treasured in my life.  But there is a caution here.  Be careful who you choose to give your heart to.  You want to choose wisely."

Always a Mom.  Always a teacher.  I just can't help that.  

My journey continues.  There are still tears but I'm sensing healing from His salve of LOVE.  The kind that is patient, kind, rejoices in the truth, always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres.  The kind of love that doesn't fail.  Which is good.  I'm counting on it.

The lyrics to Laura Story's "I Can Just Be Me" has been timely.  Here is a link to a video on YouTube if you're interested.  I've also written them below.  It's amazing how much of what I'm feeling is captured in these words.

I've been doing all that I can
To hold it all together, piece by piece
I've been feeling like a failure
Trying to be braver
Than I could ever be
It's just not me

So be my Healer, be my Comfort
Be my peace
‘Cause I can be broken
I can be needy, Lord, I need You now
To be, be my God
So I can just be me

I've been living like an orphan
Trying to belong here
But it's just not my home
I've been holding on so tightly
To all the things that I think
That satisfy my soul
But I'm letting go

So be my Father, my mighty Warrior
Be my King
‘Cause I can be scattered, frail and shattered
Lord, I need You now to be
Be my God so I can just be me

‘Cause I was lost
In this dark world
‘Till I was finally found in You
So now I'm needy, desperately pleading
Oh Lord, be all to me

So be my Savior, be my lifeline
Won't You be my everything?
‘Cause I'm so tired
Of trying to be someone
I was never meant to be
Be my God, please be my God
Be my God so I can just be me
So I can just be me
I can just be me

Peeling Away the Layers

How are you doing?

A common question.  One that the typical answer is 'good'.  I'm not going to debate whether this should be our response or not but will say that due to those who have been inquiring and the why behind their asking, I haven't said 'good'.

I'm okay.  I'm taking it one day at a time.  I have my moments.

These have been my responses.  And they are true.  Just not the raw truth.

How do I share what I still haven't figured out?  How do you put raw emotions into words?

I self-evaluate.  Shocked? I want to know the why of how I'm feeling because then I can own it and deal with it.  Obviously the general answer of "why" is that my Dad is no longer here on Earth with us.  But that generalization isn't good enough for me.  Because if it was that simple, I'd be good.  But I'm not.

I still have had times of full blown guttural cries - thankful that no one else is around type of crying.  Or driving back home from the dentist and tears start running down my cheeks because I realize I always called my Dad after an appointment.  And now I can't.  Worship at church - it's pretty much a given that I'm wrecked every Sunday.

I stopped wearing mascara.  And that kind of annoys me because I think my eyes look prettier with it.

Just being real.

So I've been working on having layers peeled back one at a time.  And just when I think I've reached a place of 'good', another layer is discovered.

A couple of weeks ago, the only way I could describe how I was feeling was numb.  Like I wasn't feeling.  This didn't include my family.  Or God.  I love them passionately.  But the everyday stuff.  And this wasn't normal for me.  I'm a passionate person.  I didn't like this feeling of indifference or apathy.  And I didn't know how to fix it.  My only hope was that God did but I didn't know how He was going to do it and I really wanted it taken care of quickly - like yesterday.  I was feeling hopelessly hopeful.  That might not even be a possible feeling.  Whatever.  It makes sense to me.

In my hopelessly hopeful state of mind, I couldn't help but wonder how people go through this without Him?  Where is their hope?  I could imagine how easy it would be to turn to other things - albeit temporary - to just feel something and get rid of this numbness.  The desperation of wanting to feel 'normal' and to get rid of the nothingness.  I didn't take that step.  I couldn't.  Not because I'm better.  I'm not.  But Jesus is.  And He's my friend.  That and the fact that I'm still passionate about my family and I want my choices to empower my boys.  They aren't blind.  They see my hurt.  They need to also see me live with victory...regardless of what it takes to get there.  But a new level of compassion birthed inside of me for those who do...

With another layer peeled back and in my hopelessly hopeful state of feeling nothing we go to church on Sunday.  And every single song could have been chosen for me.  Just like that I go from nothing to pain.  And I'm asking why.  Not out loud.  Because that could be weird.  But my insides are screaming - asking for answers.

Is it because he was the first man to believe in me?
Is it because he was such a great example of love?
Is it because he (with Mom) taught me how to be family?
Is it because he was my first valentine? my hero? my confidant? my best friend?

Finally I summarized all of the questions swirling in my head...it's all of it.  He was so much to me and now, even though I have peace as to where my Daddy is, he isn't here and what is left behind is an emptiness.

...to be continued...

Traversing the Valley

Life's journey.  It might be nice if it was like a plateau - flat and predictable.  But even in the landscape and topography of our world, areas of relatively level ground are surrounded by those that are not.  And so it is with life.  There may be portions that can seem level or even predictable but there is plenty of ground that is rough, slippery, possibly uncharted - and it all needs to be crossed.  What if you fall?  What if you get hurt or broken?  These are very real things.

The Lord is my shepherd.  He leads me perfectly.

It's not easy being a parent.  Anyone that tells you otherwise is a fool.  Like anything that is worth something, it takes work.

I know there have been plenty of times where I would have liked to smooth out the terrain that my child is crossing.  Take out the bumps.  Ensure their footing keeps them from a fall.  But it's not really possible.  And it's not healthy for them either.  They need to learn how to handle the bumps.  How to steady themselves before and even after a fall.  They even need to learn what to do when something "breaks" - how to mend, how to heal, etc.

I've called these times life lessons and have often kept my eyes fixed beyond the current circumstance that one of my boys is going through.  That doesn't mean I devalue what they're facing and the impact it is having on their young lives.  That is very, very real.  Rather, it gives me focus as to the why I desire them to learn how to navigate this rough terrain - so when they come upon it again in their future (college, job, real life experiences and interactions) they are better equipped to get through it with fewer bumps and bruises.

I'm on the cusp of another birthday.  It is quite clear that at almost 43, I still haven't arrived.  There are still lessons to be learned.  Maybe that's the real meaning of one who is a life learner.

As I look over the landscape I've traversed these past 42ish years, I can clearly note moments - some more difficult than others - and the lesson(s) that I learned as a result.  Those lessons have resulted in treasures - core beliefs that I have held onto.  They have even shaped who I am - my character.  As a teenager, the truth of my identity, who I am in Christ, was etched into my heart. When my mother-in-love was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer two days after the birth of our oldest son, the first grandchild, I felt the terrain under my feet change.  This was uncharted territory.  Multiple things were added to my life and heart as we paralleled her 15 month battle.  One of the greatest treasures that resulted for me is the truth regarding trust and placing it in God.  Simply stated, it's a choice.  If it's based on circumstances, it will waver, ebb and flow.  This truth reminds me of the lyrics On Christ the solid rock I stand.  All other ground is shifting sand. 

My latest life lesson has resulted from our parallel walk with my Dad who battled cancer for 15 years in total - metastatic prostate cancer since 2006. Unconditional trust in God helped to keep my feet sure but my heart...oh, that's another story entirely.

A month or so ago, as I was talking with God specifically about Dad, I heard Him ask "What if my healing doesn't happen the way you want it?  Will you still love me?"

My eyes filled with fresh tears, overflowing and trickling down my cheeks as I responded "Yes.  Yes, I will still love you.  I will always love you."

And I do.  My love for Him is unconditional.  Even when I do not understand.  Even when I entertain the thought of what could have been better if...

Once again, I find myself navigating through terrain that is uncomfortable and even painful at times.  H.Norman Wright says, "Grief is a journey that moves across unknown terrain that includes valleys and mountains, the arid desert with an occasional oasis." and later notes "When you enter into grief, you enter into the valley of shadows."

When I read that, Psalm 23 immediately came to mind:

The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.  He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.  He renews my strength.  He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.  Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.  Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.  You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.  You honor me by anointing my head with oil.  My cup overflows with blessings.  Surely goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. NLT

  

The valley experiences they sing about are not identical to the one I'm traversing right now, but the truth of who is with me is the same.  It is real.  And I will not be broken.  It will not break me.

Facing the Grief

Four weeks ago, I spent the last full day I'd have here on earth with my Dad. That morning, while holding my hand, he told me that he had to tell me something.  He then told me he was going to die.  I held back the tears as best I could and told him I knew that, but we also knew that he wouldn't truly die.  Because he was united with Christ, he would move from life on earth to life with Jesus.  We also exchanged lots of "I love you. I love you too." throughout the day.  My mom, my sister and I each took time to tell Daddy once again, how precious he is to us and thank him, again, for all he has instilled in each of our lives.  Moments that I will cherish.  Glimpses into what he has meant to me my entire life.

And then we said good-bye, or as he would say Auf Wiedersehen, until we meet again, on Tuesday, September 3rd.

I know the peace of God covered me throughout the week, preparing for the service, honoring Dad.  Truly miraculous.

The last three weeks, I will say His peace is still here, but I'm a mess.  It might not look that way to everyone that sees me.  Activities are sometimes a welcomed distraction from my new reality - life with one of the most important people missing.

I know I am not the first person this has happened to and I've had loved ones leave this earth throughout my life.  But this is a whole new magnitude.  And quite frankly, I don't like it.  Not one little bit.

I expected tears to be part of my reality.  Just wasn't truly prepared for how hard and fast and often they can hit.

Paperwork.  There is so much.  It can feel so overwhelming.  So we tackle a little at a time. Dealing with the stark reality of why we even have to do this.

I prepared myself for the fact that the first year following would be the worst - experiencing every important event without Daddy here.  The toughest part of having a family as close of ours is that major events are not the only times that stir the sense of loss.  I talked to my Dad almost every day.  About nothing.  About everything.  About my goals of the week or what I was going to tackle this morning.  About what I was reading or the conversations I had with my boys before they went to school.  What was on the menu for our family that week and if I had my shopping list done.

And now that's missing.  There is this emptiness that nothing can fill.

I thought I'd be fine by now.  And I am - where my head / thoughts are concerned.  But my heart is a wreck.  I told a friend I feel like my emotions are stretched and are existing in extremes.  I need to live balanced again.  But nothing seems to be balanced in my life right now.  Not despairing.  I know eventually I'll get there again.  Meanwhile, I'm attempting to be patient with myself in the process.

I picked up a book that was given to me by a friend - Experiencing Grief by H.Norman Wright.  I appreciated her thoughtfulness but was not at all ready to crack it open before this morning.  And that's okay. Timing is relevant and the Lord knew that this morning, it was time.

"The world is full of faces.  Some familiar, some unfamiliar.  Many are constant companions.  They belong to those closest to us - a friend, a parent, a grandparent, a spouse, or a child.  But one day a face is missing.  Its presence is no longer there.  There's an empty spot, but not for long.  A new face emerges to take its place.  It's unfamiliar and unfriendly.  It's the face of grief.

Grief - what do you know about this experience? We use the word so easily.  It's the state we're in when we've lost a loved one.  It's an inward look.  You've been called into the house of mourning.  It's not a comfortable place.  It's not where you want to reside, but for a time, longer than you wish, you will.  Often it will hurt, confuse, upset and frighten you.  It's described as intense, emotional suffering or even acute sorrow.

In grief, the bottom falls out of your world; the solid footing you had yesterday is gone.  It feels more like a floorboard tilting or soft pliable mud with each step you take.  The stability of yesterday's emotions has given way to feelings that are so raw and fragile, you think you are losing your mind.  We feel alone with it, yet we're not for Jesus himself was there 'a man of sorrows acquainted with bitterest grief' (Isaiah 53:3)."

Yup.  That's me.  Messed up.  For now.  I think this will be a helpful 85 pages of reading for me.  And this blog...therapy.  Writing has always been that for me.    

Dad...an example of Love and Trust.

You taught me how important TRUST is.

I have always been more hesitant and cautious than others. I remember you standing at the bottom of the stairs and saying “jump”. I would ask/beg/plead for Promises to go first – and then even after I saw you catch her I would still struggle.

You never gave up on me – you always encouraged me to trust you - no matter how long or hard your day was you didn't get aggravated with my hesitation. Why? I guess you knew how important it was for me to learn how to trust – so that as I grew up I would be able to take the leaps that faith requires us to do.

Thank you for that Dad.

Thank you for never getting annoyed with me. Thank you for always encouraging me. Thank you so much. Because of your example of “father” to me – my faith in God hasn't been a struggle. Sure, I have had my moments with God but I know that when God says “trust me” I don’t hesitate. Thank you Daddy.

Your Unconditional Love.

I never knew another kind of love. I don’t comprehend how people can love their family members any other way. And yet, many do not know what it is to be loved unconditionally…especially from their daddy.

I do. I know I wasn't the most difficult child to rear. Both of your girls could be classified as “good kids”. This isn't by accident. I believe the main reason why I stayed away from "bad" stuff is because I didn't have to look for love/comfort. I had it! You and Mom created the most amazing environment for us to grow up in. We weren't perfect, but I see me now – a product of my growing up – and I wouldn't change a thing.

Again, because you loved us unconditionally, we knew how to receive that love from our Heavenly Father. I also know how to give it – it is the ONLY way I know how to love. Thank you Daddy.

My Dad. Study Partner. Debate Partner

My study partner.

For so many years – until college – then Simms took over. I would have you test me on everything. I know you were very happy when I was done with the paces and in a “real” school system again. Those things frustrated you – although I did VERY well in math. Hmmm, wonder who I got that skill from? Hee hee.

You would quiz me so I could be ready for my tests. The biggest weeks would be for my midterms and finals throughout high school. You never said “no”. Even as you struggled pronouncing all of the Spanish vocabulary – we just giggled through it all. And I graduated with honors.

Thank you for never saying no and always making me/family a priority. Another life lesson I learned simply from your example. Thank you Daddy.

My debate partner.

This is something that I think is unique to us. In spite of everything, we haven’t always seen eye to eye on a variety of issues. And so we would “discuss” our differing points of view – which sometimes got VERY HEATED.

What makes us different is that after those heated discussions, we were fine. Within five minutes, we could be laughing about something else.

Honestly, I never knew we were unique in this until Simms pointed it out to me. Hee hee. I know these discussions weren’t always pleasant, but through it you taught me how to think things through. We also challenged and stretched one another. I believe I developed a lot of my reasoning and processing skills as a result.

Today, I am a very logical thinker and I don’t just take what someone says as truth. I dissect it, examine it, and critique it. These are skills I attempted to teach my students. Our world needs more people to do this. Daddy, thank you for helping me to develop these skills.

My Dad. Best Friend and Confidant.

One of my best friends and confidant.

You are! I enjoy spending time with you. Making Friday night pizza runs or just “going for a ride” in the truck while you ran a bunch of errands are a couple of my memories.

Now, you go for a ride with me! I am always able to talk to you about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I remember how I felt very different when I heard my girlfriends talking about their dads. It was as if they were strangers to them. I knew I was different and I was GLAD I was different.

You were not a stranger to me. I talked to you about everything – even what could be classified as “girl stuff”. You never acted uncomfortable or awkward – if you had I would not have had the freedom to talk to you about what was most important to me.

I knew you cared for me and loved me – and still do. I also knew you would always be honest with me and tell me like it is. Nothing was “sugar-coated”.

You also would make time for me. When no one else would, you would play a game with me. Yahtzee and Tile Rummy were our favorites.

Thank you. Those little things that may have seemed so insignificant at the time – it meant EVERYTHING. Thank you Daddy.

My Dad. My Hero.

My hero.


You are the best Daddy Waddy Doodle all the Day – and for the last 34-1/2 years (now 42-1/2) you have held that title! On a more serious note, I have always looked up to you.

Didn’t matter what was going on around me – I always knew I could count on my Dad – you would always be there. None of the neighborhood kids would mess with your girls and it wasn’t because we were so tough. I remember when Paul and the boy down the street were throwing mud balls at us. We told them to stop and they joked back saying they wouldn't and "what were we going to do about it anyway?”

I told them I would get my Dad.

They threw another one – and I got you.

When you were done with them they didn't throw another thing at us again.

Years later, Peter came by on his bike and began cursing at us. I told him he was not allowed to use that language on our property. We went back and forth and then he said he was going to get someone to take care of us. I asked who it was and he told me – it was the boy with Paul from years earlier. I told him to “go ahead, he won’t hurt us”. Peter said “we would just see about that”. Sure enough they came down together on their bikes – the boy looked at us and asked Peter “these are the girls?” He said “yes” and the boys’ response was “sorry, you are on your own. If you mess with them, you mess with their Dad and I am not doing that”.

Dad, you demonstrated what it is like to be a child of GOD – if anyone messes with us, then they have to deal with our Heavenly Father. How powerful that is!!! What a life lesson you demonstrated to us – and just because you are a loving daddy. Thank you Daddy.






Great lyrics and incredibly appropriate for the point we are at in our journey.

 

Celebrating My Dad

Father's Day is this Sunday.  I'm looking forward to celebrating another one with my Dad.


This week has been a little tough.  My Dad's PSA is once again rising.  The difference this time is that there is no other chemotherapy available for him to try.  Medically, they've done everything they can.  At this point, the only thing they can do is minimize his pain and discomfort.  We've never believed that the medicine would heal my Dad (only God can do that) but now there isn't anything medically to help prolong his life.

We continue to pray and trust God.  We want to see Dad healed this side of heaven.  Our hope is in the Lord.  Regardless of what transpires over the future days, months and years, I will choose to trust God and love Him with my whole heart.

This doesn't mean there haven't been tears.  I love my Dad.  He's still my Daddy and I'm still his little girl.

But there is still hope...

Okay, so I've been going through some of my past posts and I'm going to be doing some re-posting.  It's really for me.  After all, this is my blog.  But I know that many of you know and love my Dad too and/or can relate a father-daughter bond.

This post was originally posted on The Campbell Corner for my Dad's Birthday in 2010.

Today my Dad is officially 71 years old! He has outlived the longest living male in his family line by 2-1/2 years now. Go Daddy go! (note - this year in November he will turn 74!)

If you are a regular reader here at my corner then you know how special my Daddy is to me. I've written about some of Dad's Rules around Christmas and the various Traditions he has instilled, His favorite cake and how we watched my first Superbowl together. He has always been my valentine - shared with my sister of course. And we are both still Daddy's Little Girl. To top off these memories, the one that seems to resonate with me today is the fact that no one prayed like my Dad and the security that gave me when I was scared or needed some comfort.

When my Dad prays he doesn't use super big words but there is a passion and strength that is there.

That passion and strength has always been part of him...it's just evolved over time. He was born in 1939 and grew up on the streets of New York City. His family lived on a German block in Queens - that wasn't the name of the street but the families on that block came over from Germany. He has told me how it wasn't easy being ridiculed, being called 'Nazi' and targeted by bullies. He never joined a gang. His Dad (my Poppy) taught him how to fight and I still recall a story where he cheered my Dad on as he defended himself against another boy. They moved out of the city when he was sixteen. He told me that he and his dad witnessed a fight where switchblades were pulled and used. Apparently my Poppy defined that type of fight as 'unfair' and determined it was time to move the family.

I can't imagine growing up like that. Always on the defense. It's taught in psychology classes that the typical response to threatening situations are fight or flight. I don't know if my Dad comprehends 'flight'. I'm not sure it is part of his vocabulary. I'm just kidding about the latter...well sort of.

My Dad invited God to be a part of his life when he was thirty-three years old. I was a toddler. As a little girl, the fighter part of my Dad became my defender. I knew that no one would hurt me or my family because my Daddy took care of us. I'm sure every little girl sees her Daddy as her hero but I remember times when I felt threatened by someone and my Dad had words with that individual and then everything was a-ok. Sometimes I wish I knew what he had said and then I think that I'm better off not knowing.

As an adolescent, the fighter part of my Dad was truly annoying. I felt like he always had to be right and we battled verbally - especially when I knew he was definitely wrong and I was right. LOL.

As an adult I understand where the fighter in my Dad came from. It is still sometimes annoying - just being honest - but I've also seen it change. The real strength of this trait is when he prays. He never gives up. He never gives in. He fights and fights and fights because He knows that his Daddy- Abba - is in his corner, cheering him on.

As Chris Tomlin sings in Our God is Greater...

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

Just Wanted to Share...

The message of this song is so powerful.  I know it has ministered to me today. May you also be blessed.

Family. Faith. Life. Worship.

Time doesn't stop.

Life continues.  

Smiles.  Tears.  Laughter.  Concerns.

  

The Facade of Control

Control.

Is it something we can ever have - really?

People want it - or the appearance of it.  Some will spend their lives striving for it...never truly achieving it. Others define themselves by the control they have or at least what they perceive it to be.

And then the rug is pulled out from under them...

I'm reminded of Luke 17:33 - Whoever tries to keep their life, will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it.  That's the NIV translation.  

I also like The Message which says If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms.

Could this be the core of the temptation that Adam and Eve faced?  Is it possible to think that the temptation was really the facade of control?

Jeter and I were talking about this just last week.

Yesterday he took a jump shot while playing basketball at school and rolled his ankle when he hit the gym floor.  It hurt but he didn't go to the nurse.  His words "what would she do Mom?  Give me some ice?"

Yes...and tell you to elevate it and maybe give you some ibuprofen and call your mom...

He went through the last half of the school day with a hurt ankle but apparently assured everyone that he was okay.

And then he came home.  He told me what happened.  And I saw his ankle - swollen and sore.

I thought we were dealing with a sprain.  After a trip to OIP we learned that we are actually dealing with a fracture in the growth plate and he's looking at being in a cast for the next 6 weeks.  That's the fall soccer season.  Done.  

He's handling it well.  He's a great kid.  

This morning he said "I can't believe one jump shot could turn my life upside down.  But it did."   

Later as we were getting him ready to go to school - because I'll be driving him - he said "I think one of the most difficult things is needing the help of others."

Like mother like son.  It isn't natural for me to ask others for help either.  I dealt with the whole facade of control when I was in college.  Granted, little lessons continue throughout life but the bulk of that lesson happened during my sophomore year.

I've observed Jeter tackling so many life lessons throughout his 11 young years.  Many of which he has dealt with earlier in life than I had to.  

My heart's cry has been for my ceiling to be the floor for my boys.  At the same time, I know there are certain lessons they need to tackle on their own and my heart swells with pride when I am amazed by how well they are learning to navigate through life.

This momma would have loved to have the ability to change what happened.  To keep my son from experiencing the pain and frustration of this fracture and the inconvenience it poses. Yet I know there are life lessons he will glean which will have a far greater impact on his character.

My hearts prayer is Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  NIV

Thankfully I don't have to yearn for the facade of control.  I know the one who can steady my heart no matter where I am in this journey of life.  He's done it before and He will do it again.

Life Lessons

So...how have you been?  I'm good.  Really I am.  Just haven't been taking time to sit and write lately.  And then today I was reading in my Pause book which catalyzed the need to disregard everything that is on my "to-do" list because if I didn't sit down and write I would implode.

Not really implode.  That would be gross.  Messy too.  And I already have enough to clean up around here.  But that is how it felt - or the way I would describe the feeling.  So I'm sitting and writing.

My reading included Joshua 9 - the chapter that talks about how he was deceived by the men of Gibeon.  The men dressed the part of travelers from a far away land - their clothes were worn and patched.  They packed old, moldy food and their sacks were worn as well.  They definitely looked the part.  And yet they were neighbors.  Then verse 14 practically jumped off the page...

The men of Israel looked them over and accepted the evidence.  But they didn't ask God about it.  ~ The Message

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I don't even know what I want to say about this right now other then emphasize the importance to not make choices solely but what we see and hear.  I'm an analyzer and critical thinker and I rarely make decisions based on my feelings.  Yet, it is both vital and important for me to remember the truth of Joshua 9:14.  It's application (and lack thereof) will affect my history...as well as those that I impact.

The Faithful One

Ahhhhh...I needed that.

Things don't usually happen the way we would want them to - or even expect them to.

Sometimes its a blessing. Other times, its a struggle or a frustration.

Just needed to remind myself of who is consistent and faithful in all things and at all times.

Never Walking Alone

With the pending return of the team from Honduras...I can't help but be super excited to know that tonight I get to wrap my arms around my hubby and my oldest son.

I believed, from the beginning stages of planning this trip, that this had the potential to be ground breaking for my Jeter. A moment in time when the foundations of his life and core values would continue to be firmly built upon and strengthened. And the fact that Simms would be able to actively be part of that. Wow. That has just got to be a most amazing thing for a parent. I'm sure he'll tell me all about it...and I can't wait to hear all the details.

 Meanwhile, this song has been on my heart today...God is faithful. Regardless of the circumstances of what is going on in your life today. He is faithful. And He promises to always be with you. Awesome.

 

Everything...

I know. I know. Another video. And yet - this is what is on my mind and my heart right now.

 


Part of me wants to elaborate on what this means to me right now.  Part of me just wants to have this song on replay and soak it in...

Overall, that is the part that is winning right now.  However, I will state that I am so very grateful to live in a country where I am free.  Today we celebrate that freedom.

And now, if you have five minutes, join me...listen, watch and read - there are some good postings throughout the video.

Life is a Journey...What Fuels Yours?

The lyrics are what I like best about this song.  It's a bit more hip-hop than my typical genre of choice but I keep coming back to it because of the words.

In the crossroads of life, the direction I take is from Him alone.

Typically, these choices are not the popular ones.

Good thing my motivation isn't to please man.

Recently I've been reminded multiple times of milestones in my life.  A facet of each one brings me back to Romans 14.  Individuality.  Personal responsibility.  Choices.  Consequences.  To summarize - we are different - there are similarities, but each of us is wonderfully complex at the same time.  The key to what should be linking us together is the heart or core of the 'what' and 'why' in life.

There are those who would be more comfortable with what I'll call 'cookie cutter' people.  All the same.  No surprises.  Unfortunately (for those with this affinity) this wasn't even the heart or intent of our Creator.

So...what do you choose when you're at a crossroads?  Does the facade of control pull your heartstrings or are you able to release that control and allow Him to take the lead...wherever it may go?

This might be what you feel is before you...

Image(s): FreeDigitalPhotos.net

...and when I feel that way, this is what I look for...

Image(s): FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other.  Help others with encouraging words; don't drag them down by finding fault.  You're certainly not going to permit an argument over what is served or not served at supper to wreck God's work among you, are you?  I said it before and I'll say it again:  All food is good, but it can turn bad if you use it badly, if you use it to trip others up and send them sprawling.  When you sit down to a meal, your primary concern should not be to feed your own face but to share the life of Jesus.  So be sensitive and courteous to the others who are eating.  Don't eat or say or do things that might interfere with the free exchange of love...If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe, then it's wrong.  Romans 14: 19-21, 23 The Message

Reflections

Image: Carlos Porto / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It is almost December. There are times when I feel like this year has been zipping by...and yet when I reflect on the past year, I cannot help but be amazed at all that has transpired. It has been a good year. Good doesn't mean easy. I definitely would not use that as a descriptive word for 2011. But in the end, through all we have walked...and continue to walk in...it has been good.

How can I say that? I don't know exactly. I mean, I can hypothesize why but to summarize - without the over-analysis, it probably has much to do with perspective.

When I was selecting photos for our Christmas cards, I was surprised by how few I had the first quarter of the year. Then I softly chided myself, reminded of why. There was so little time to take photos. That was the last thing that was on my mind. Our schedule was filled with taking care of Mom and Dad. Daily visits to the hospital and then the in-patient care facility for Mom. Doctor's appointments and then treatment for Dad. Therapy and follow-up appointments for Mom. When I think of all that we did in those first four months, it is almost overwhelming. Thankfully, this was shared with Promises and our husbands helped out tremendously on the home front as well as the grace they had for us personally. Today it seems like forever ago...especially when we see how Mom's health has been miraculously restored. What a joy it is to just visit Mom and Dad and chat over a cup of coffee because we want to...not because we have to.

This summer was the most enjoyable summer for me in years.  I don't know why exactly.  Was it the ages of the boys and their new levels of maturity?  Maybe it was the relief of all we walked through in the beginning of the year?  I cannot pinpoint any one thing or reason but this I know...I remember that each and every day was lived intentionally.  Almost like breathing deeply and wanting to remember every single detail.  Now that doesn't mean that the boys didn't have spats or that there was nothing to pray about because everything with everyone I know and love was perfectly fine.  Nope.  That stuff still went on and there has been plenty to pray about BUT the general feeling from this summer was good.

Jeter started middle school and Barber was on his own in the elementary school when fall arrived.  What a transition that has been!  And yet, even that I can look at and a sense of goodness surrounds me.  I see growing independence in the boys.  Their friendship has even increased over the past number of months - maybe because they have had time apart / their own space?  I continue to enjoy all the new things that they are growing in and the young men they are.  I truly feel blessed daily...so thankful that I GET to be their mom.  Granted I could list all the not-so-fun things about being mom (laundry, cleaning up messes, reminding them of what to do and when, laundry, dishes, appointments, schedules, laundry) but really, when it comes down to brass tax (my Dad would love that I used that phrase in this post) I cannot complain.  Rather, I count it a privilege to do those things.  For one, I am able to do it.  And another - it is only for a short time in the grand scheme of things.  Besides I also get to cook and bake with them, help them with their homework, read to them and discuss what they have read, pray with them and still even get some snuggle time to boot.

We are now entering the winter portion of the year.  I remind my Mom to make sure she gets the rest she needs and doesn't allow her immune system to get run down.  We definitely do NOT want to repeat last year.  Praising God for seeing us through that time does not mean we are ready for or desire a repeat.  That reminder to her is also applied to my life.  Perusing my ever ambitious "to do" list and selecting what is appropriate for me to accomplish each day.  This is most likely why my posting has been on the back burner.  Sitting and typing tends to be viewed as a luxury by me...one that I don't always give to myself.  But I felt the freedom to do so again so here I am today and maybe I'll be here again tomorrow...or later this week.

One final thought on reflection.  It is often defined as careful consideration of something or a period of time.  That is what I was thinking when I first titled this post.  While writing, I was reminded that reflection also refers to what you see in the mirror and how I desire my life to be a reflection of the One that has changed it forever.  My hope is that through the steps I have walked, my actions and words reflect His love...regardless of what I was walking through.  As I continue to take the steps on this journey called life, that continues to be my hearts desire.




I am not skilled to understand what God has willed, what God has planned.
I only know at His right hand, stands one who is my Savior.

I take Him at His word and deed.  Christ died to save me, this I read.
And in my heart I find a need of Him to be my Savior.

That He would leave His place on high and come for sinful man to die.
You count it strange, so once did I before I knew my Savior.

My Savior loves, my Savior lives, my Savior's always there for me.
My God he was, my God he is, my God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring my strength, my solace from this spring.
That He who lives to be my King, once died to be my Savior.

That He would leave His place on high, and come for sinful man to die.
You count it strange, so once did I before I knew my Savior.

My Savior lives, my Savior loves, my Savior lives, my Savior loves, my Savior lives.

Thoughts for Today

No matter the season

No matter the circumstance

No matter the emotions

No matter what twists and turns this day takes...or tomorrow or the next...

He is there.  He is real.  He is faithful.

44 years and counting...

Mom and Dad - September 2010

This is a picture of my parents a mere three months before our world turned upside down. Dad had already been fighting cancer.  But a lot began to happen - even with him - in a relatively short span of time.  Cancer. Nerve damage. Radiation. Chemotherapy. Staph throughout the blood. Pneumonia.  Septic shock.  SICU and inpatient care. Weakness.  Adaptive equipment.  Therapy...lots and lots of therapy.  They both were facing so much - each with so much to bear and both in a weakened state.

How did they get through the last 6-1/2 months?  Easy answer - they fixed their eyes on the ONE who created them and held on to His promises.  The love, encouragement and prayers they received (and continue to receive) from friends and family became a huge network of support.  The collective value of this is not discounted or minimized - it is truly a living testimony.

Every day I get to give them a hug and a kiss is a gift.  The opportunity to tell them 'I love you' is a blessing. I treasure the conversations we are able to have together in person and on the phone.  They are both still regaining ground in their health and I believe it will continue until they are fully restored.

Meanwhile, my heart is filled with thanksgiving for where they are now and I am overflowing with joy that they have been able to celebrate another anniversary together.  44 years (and counting) this precious couple has spent together.  They know what it is to love no matter what.  To stand on His promises and face whatever comes their way.  They have exemplified living together in richer and poorer, sickness and health, to honor and cherish, etc.. They aren't perfect - and in their imperfection, He is glorified.

Thank you Mom and Dad for the example you've been.  I love you both so very much and pray that you are able to celebrate many more anniversaries together...walking hand in hand.
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