Hearts and Black Holes

Finally I summarized all of the questions swirling in my head...it's all of it.  He was so much to me and now, even though I have peace as to where my Daddy is, he isn't here and what is left behind is an emptiness.

That's where I was left.  Feeling the emptiness.    

I remember when our son Jeter was born and Simms and I experienced this phenomenon of our figurative hearts growing because a greater amount of love was added.  It was awesome and amazing and we felt filled to overflowing.  I remember contemplating having another child - not wanting to share the love we have for Jeter with anyone else.  But we didn't have to.  Once again, when Barber entered our lives, we felt our hearts grow with the addition of love that was just for Barber.

We didn't have to divide a set amount of love among those that are treasured in our lives.

What then happens when someone that you had such a huge amount of love for isn't here anymore?

And this was the next reality for me to deal with.  The next layer was being peeled off.

There was a hole in my heart.  

One that no one could ever fill.

So there I am in the pew of our church, tears rolling down my face as this new reality sets in.  Conversing with the One who I know loves me - even though I feel broken, fragmented, messed up, etc.

And I hear Him say "I can fill it if you want me to."

"Yes.  Please.  Do it.  And hurry up.  Please."

Later that day, Jeter and I had some time together and I shared this with him. This is how he responded: 

"You know what this reminds me of Mom?  Stars.  They fill the sky and each has it's place.  When a star dies, a black hole is formed and it sucks in everything that gets too close.  

That continues until it fills up.  And if a new star forms, it's because God created it.  It doesn't come from anything else.  

Poppy isn't here and there is a hole that has been left behind.  It could keep sucking you in but you've asked God to fill it up.  And He will."

Oh the wisdom of my sweet 12 year old.  I hugged him and he hugged me back.

It was exactly what I needed.

And then I shared this with him:

"You see the pain.  And I'm know you've experienced your own level of pain.  It could cause someone to not love deeply.  Or to be afraid to.  To hold back because of not wanting to experience the loss.  The pain is real.  And it hurts a lot.  But it's worth it.  I will never hold back the love I have for you or your brother or your Dad or anyone that is treasured in my life.  But there is a caution here.  Be careful who you choose to give your heart to.  You want to choose wisely."

Always a Mom.  Always a teacher.  I just can't help that.  

My journey continues.  There are still tears but I'm sensing healing from His salve of LOVE.  The kind that is patient, kind, rejoices in the truth, always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres.  The kind of love that doesn't fail.  Which is good.  I'm counting on it.

The lyrics to Laura Story's "I Can Just Be Me" has been timely.  Here is a link to a video on YouTube if you're interested.  I've also written them below.  It's amazing how much of what I'm feeling is captured in these words.

I've been doing all that I can
To hold it all together, piece by piece
I've been feeling like a failure
Trying to be braver
Than I could ever be
It's just not me

So be my Healer, be my Comfort
Be my peace
‘Cause I can be broken
I can be needy, Lord, I need You now
To be, be my God
So I can just be me

I've been living like an orphan
Trying to belong here
But it's just not my home
I've been holding on so tightly
To all the things that I think
That satisfy my soul
But I'm letting go

So be my Father, my mighty Warrior
Be my King
‘Cause I can be scattered, frail and shattered
Lord, I need You now to be
Be my God so I can just be me

‘Cause I was lost
In this dark world
‘Till I was finally found in You
So now I'm needy, desperately pleading
Oh Lord, be all to me

So be my Savior, be my lifeline
Won't You be my everything?
‘Cause I'm so tired
Of trying to be someone
I was never meant to be
Be my God, please be my God
Be my God so I can just be me
So I can just be me
I can just be me